Tony B-liar's marital bugs, Andy Coulson's nemesis and more by Darling Madame Arcati

Back by popular demand and because she's been let out on day release from her private and exclusive spa on the Dead Sea in Israel, where she undergoes daily Abhyanga treatment to open her third eye and clear her cluttered karma, Darling MA offers up some wisdom and musings on what has been, let's face it, an altogether trying year.In order to extend the pleasure of  being on the company of greatness, the multiple installments of this essay on contemporary Britain will be Wikileaked upon a somnambulist public. Like the Guardian.

Pinocchio

Now that Andy Coulson has been cleared of any wrongdoing and is no longer needed in Scottish Tommygate trial, what do you make of his vindication by the feds? Who's zooming who, is Yates of the Yard gone soft like Tony B-liar's willy?

Darling, I’m afraid Bliar’s willy is not soft at all - I am reliably informed that he gets it up at least twice a week for Cherie (without the help of Viagra), when either of them is not away on separate, lucrative pilgrimages. I have my bugs in the marital bed.

As for Andy Pinocchio, no one but the Prime Minister believes that as editor he did not know about illegal phone hacking at the News of the World. 

I can’t improve on the Tory propagandist and blogger Guido Fawkes words on the matter - ‘Coulson is as guilty as sin of condoning the News of the World culture…’ Nonetheless, Guido is happy to peg his nose to the stink in No 10 and just truffle after soft targets like William Hague and his preference for goooorgeous male hotel room-mates. I fear for Guido’s credibility as the Coalition starts to sink under police water cannon. I really do.

Scotland Yard - which has very close links to the News of the World - did its best for austerity Britain and save on public legal bills by threatening to place witnesses against Coulson under caution during questioning. Ken Clarke must be delighted. A prosecution of Coulson would have cost taxpayers about £2m. Coulson has already cost Murdoch about £4m in settlements and legal costs to shut up phone hacked litigants (£1m to Max Clifford alone!) - think of the money Murdoch is saving the British taxpayer. 

However, I fear that someone from Kajagoogoo, or some other branch of entertainment, will undo Scotland Yard’s sterling fiscal work and go public on tabloid phone hacking one day.

You have leaked news and important stories for years. How did you escape the gallows and the entrance only court room of District Judge Howard Riddle? What do you make of the recent remand of Julian Assange? Do you think the Frontline club was right to allow him to stay there, the proprietor,  Capt Vaughn Smith, an ex-army-man, reformed hack, claims Julian always paid his room bills but then remarked rather remarkably that he never used a credit card. One wonders how poppet carried all those used £1 coins.

Well, one is impressed. Personally, I can’t book into a decent hotel without proof of solvent existence, such as my Boots saver card. I assume Julian did a Gillian McKeith and carried his essentials, such as cash, in pockets in his Y-fronts. This is why I don’t think he raped anyone. Can you imagine? He drops his pants and out pops an avalanche of pound coins clattering against the skirting. That would put off most aspiring rapists, don’t you agree? And intended victims would probably have time to make a getaway as Julian crawled around collecting his coins, with his exposed testicles swaying about below his hairy crack. He may therefore be guilty of indecent exposure; that’s possible.

The Frontline club should be commended for its dedication to free market economics. An example to George Osborne and that funny little urchin, Toby Young.

Separated at birth. But how many chins? 

 A lot of columnistas have made a lot of noise about the misogyny of Assange's *alleged* sexual crimes on women in Sweden, given that one of them write a book on seven ways to legally avenge your lover and that one of these ways was to tell the police he raped you, do you think Julian Assange might be released soon, as there are no charges to answer or do you think the naughty poppet deserves a spell in the pokey? 

The problem is that the moment Julian lands in Sweden, Obama’s loyal drones will apply for his extradition to face a 500-year spell in a Texan penitentiary for upsetting Hillary Clinton over her illegal UN spying directives. So I think we should follow daytime TV Jeremy Kyle’s example and subject Julian to a lie detector test on these rape allegations - perhaps on the show itself, surrounded by hair-gelled oafs and their screaming chav tarts with their hoop earrings.  

If he passes, Sweden can fuck off and Jeremy can shake Julian’s hand. Sorted.

Rape is of course a very serious matter and should never be used to further the interests of Hillary Clinton. 

Not a good hair day